3/3/26: I feel like a ghost in my own life. I don't know what is wrong, I feel like there is some mysterious revelation eluding me always, something that would make many transient and malformed things substantial, like everything in myself and in the world is ephemeral and meaningless. Every beautiful object slips away from me, any sense of self I try to cling onto melts like sandcastles before an ocean, I feel like a spirit trapped and fading in a dream, like a fundamentally faint existence. I feel like I am watching through the glass glimmers and sparks of life and experience as I am unable to meaningfully exist or cross the gap ever, I really feel like a dead person watching the world in bits and pieces of lucidity. I don't want to suffer some ugly ill fate, I want to be happy, I really want things to be happy, but I don't have much faith anymore in any particular avenue nor can I really understand what even is the problem in my life. I don't even know what the problems are anymore. I dream so often, but even my dreams slip away from me very often, my fantasies and daydreams, my desires for a loving mother. I want to feel safe and loved, but no matter how loved I am I can never quite feel that warm happy feeling, nothing reaches me, I just feel so far away. I feel so empty
3/8/26: I'm very tired, I don't know what to do sometimes. People are so confusing. I feel an austerity of words... I don't know what to say, but I don't have any reason to say anything either. Then why am I writing? I liked the idea of having something to write, I love sentiments and affects.. I love sharing my sentiments and affects. In isolation I can exist in ways I can't around others. I have thought a lot about neeting lately and the nature of it. Economic disintegration: I really don't want to be economically integrated. I want to drift off into my happy world of symbols and sentiments. I love roses, I love the smell of specific sheets I've been on, I just remember the feelig of being in my grandparent's house, dark wood, fake flora and very antique looking things, I just loved the way it felt being safe, not having to go to school, it's all very beautiful and nice... these are the things that remain in my head as the most important sometimes... light passing through marbles while I was playing on the floor. I miss being a child. I love to imagine someone kind, usually a motherly figure, bouncing me on her lap while I rest after playing with my toys in front of her. I've always been afraid to play with toys in front of adults, I was afraid of them
3/9/26: I am so sick and tired of the soul-noise pollution caused by people and their disgusting interiorities. People make me so sick and tired, I just can't stand hearing it always. It's like the soul can be a tranquil pond, a kind of image I associate with a mystical or magical feeling. The pond is a source of life but it is also a tranquil and restful thing. I like to imagine it almost devoid of life: I can't stand the invasion of the pond by living creatures. I like to imagine fog resting on top of it. But it is not a real pond, it is just an image, or a feeling. The soul is like that in feeling to me. When it is at rest I feel happy and soothed and quiet, I don't like feeling all disrupted, but people make it roll and fill it with turmoil, I think because I am sensing sin and ugliness. Things like judgment and hatred of one another or towards people like me especially. Sometimes I become so sick I lash out in ugliness and derangement and become sinful myself, because sin rolls like a wave, disturbing my water and making me in turn a disturbing and rolling thing. I just hate them. I just hate them so much. I really can't stand them. I don't want to hear about it or hear from them. I can't stand how normalfag ridden the internet is these days. It's just all normalfags posting about stupid normalfag stuff 24/7. About how they can't get laid or about how they have FOMO or about doing shit with their friends. I don't even wanna do stuff with people. I love doing things by myself and I hate doing things with people as a general rule. My chemistry is just ruined and I experience everything like an animal. It's like how an animal never responds to music, that's the way I feel about most positive social relations. Everything about me is so ugly and wrong that I have to lie constantly about the way I feel. Good things just roll off me like water
3/9/26: I feel trapped as usual, I'm not going to pretend like I don't find myself in unusual feelings. I just don't like people. Seeing people who know people that I know, acquaintances of acquaintances, I don't like anyone, I don't like people at all. I have no interest in people. I don't like them, I really don't, people make me very sick and upset. Just everything to do with them makes me sick. I get so tired of being an object for people. Just something for them to enjoy, my body is easy to enjoy for everyone but me it often feels like. I really get tired of trying to express the parts of myself that are not so easy to enjoy. I really don't want to even try sometimes. I don't know what to say, I feel so claustrophobic sometimes. People people people people people. I really don't like them. Personalities, brands, ideas, expressions, communities, I've been a shut in for most of my life and have actively eschewed human contact for many episodes. Then I act out sexually for attention desparately and I rapidly form close bonds. I become confused and dissociated and don't recognize myself shortly after. Not that I really mind. I don't know. I just see people and I see the way they can live with eachother and creaate some kind of civilization, I don't like it... and the people close to me think, do you reject this civilization with me as well? I don't know.. I hate that stuff, I hate those wicked things, they make me exhausted, all the social things I see, the people and their images and people-images and people-ideas and all of it back and forth and forth and back until I'm exhausted, and of course I am deranged and unusual and something that has basically no well defined place. I am just nobody, I don't even want to be someone, but I find the claustrophobic weight of social contact pressing all around cutting into me all the time, it's just suffocating because I'm not anyone and I won't ever be it feels like, I don't even want to be, I don't even know what it means, but I know that I am supposed to be someone and I see the strange w way the others lock together like pieces in a mesh, I don't understand it, I just want to be away, people don't understand anything about me, I think maybe some others do, but I don't know, it's in passing shades, I just feel so exhausted, I feel like just a body for other people to enjoy, all the sentiments and feelings I have are like optional ephemera to ignore in the process or course of enjoying that body or whatever it would be, just whatever it is I am always the least important part of it. I just like being safe, and not predated on, I like when I can trust people, but I am very unstable and I don't feel safe with people usually. I have never gotten to enjoy being touched or cuddled or any of it despite trying a lot. Then I have to feel guilty for not being easy to make feel good. I have to pretend or feel guilty or both and I just want to be taken care of. I'm tired of being a problem all the time at best. I just feel so exhausted and alieanted. I really want to be safe. I think I need to abuse substances more probably it feels like at times, substancse make me feel better physically and take care of me, oh how stupid and deplorable and dsick isnt it? who is going to fix that? there isnt a medical service or anything that can fix my awful body and the way it feels all the time, nothing is going to fix all of that stuff, im probably chemicaly fucked up from sitting in a room inmy formative years with minimal social cojntact and getting abused/tocuhed before then and whatever else, my stupid fucked up body as a baby nearly dying and all the injections and medical stuff my mom thinks gave me trauma, I jsut dont even know, I just dont know about any of it at all whatsoever, I never know about any of it, nobody does, people dont know how to make me feel better or how to fix anything, not professionals or any of it, they just tell me everything that makes me feel better is wrong, everything I do is wrong, I dont have anything good that works and I am supposed to feel guilty everry second of every day aboiut that,m Im supposed to start enjoying social contact and to have happy formative relations and all of it and ikm supposed to enjoy physical touch and i need to meditate to feel better and just think about it harder and Im stupid or wrong or retarded in some way like a stupid failure for feeling bad, but the people saying that dont experience the things i do and didnt theyre jsut talking down to me from a psoition of not having to deal with any of it and then just my body is this thing ust its so onen ssided and unfair my bodyis itt just makes me fee so defeate,d all of it makes me very defeated and I just want to lay down and be tired, i just dont want to think anymor emost of the time and i definitely dont now, i just dont like people, i just rally cant hlepb ut think i dont like them and feel completely and totlaly alienated frot hem i know i dont undertatnd anything to do with them at all and i dont even really want to, i dontn get it whatsoever and anything at all about it is just confusing i am jsut so tired i jsut wihs things worked for me like i wasnt sitting here always making stupid fucking decisions like i nknow doign opioids is bad but it really makes m feel warm and safe ni aw ay i fantasize about and i try t ryt ry try try try try rytr yry try rt try try to do it the right way so fucking ahrd but i just i dont know its always me isnt it im always the problem its just always my fault somehow that everything is ruined and fucked wit hmy stupid body and my feelings and my sesnitivty im not even uspet that anyone didnt do anytighng i just feel so alienated and disturbed thatif eel on edfge with people cosntantrly, i always feel on edge its just a constant thing for me with others i only feel safe whn im near the solely thing the solely soley thing its easier to call it likea n object like its a thing, thats the thing i liemto bearound that thing, buit it isnt athing at all is it and it probably sounds very crazy or unsual because m just contorting myself for comfort, tis hard tio express myself if im honest and straightforward in a lot of ways and itmes because it comes along wiryh imense abuse and troublke and blae and judgent ahobut how weird and retarded i am.. i knowt he stuff im saying isnt event hat unsual or weird but yoyu dontmaybe treeally get it that i realmy hate all these nice things im suposed to live and make me feelb etter and im just a claustrophovic fuck woh wants to runa way constantly and hide from even nice things and the only things that help are the worst things in the world i like cutting myself too even tohug hi dont do it reglarly and everyone i know sit makes me fele wrose if i ever mentioned it which i dotn aymore either blaming me for stuff i cant fix or change or i try my best ot deal with i cut myself way less than i would if i was moe unreprentnt about it i really do, but it sjust the nimber of failures i have dont really matter its just any fialruesn are bad and so ig et blamed for cutting anyway i dont care it just is waht it is but then also at th esame time i have even had peolpe make fun of me for not doing ti seriously or for being fake my ex told me they were chicken scratche and i jsut felt so bad again i do this thing i like to my body in mpy pricavy to feel gbetter when i feel horirble i do it the way i feel safe and comfortable and then im jsut again im just my body is just rdiculed my bodyt is just didiuclked i just hate it so much i hate that i really hate it i didnt do it for you i didnt do it for anyone i didnt do it to be seirous or cool or anything i just did i because it woild make me feel better and even that is somethging to humilaite and ridicule me with isnt it because im just a torture doll ofr poeple to enjoy and touch and play with and make fun of whateverr whenever however making funnof mysle even when im hurt anf eel very bad th eworse i feel the more annoye dand eager to attack me pople are ort hey just dont care and just make me feel guiktky for feeling bad at all basically no matter what i know the godlen rule is skeep your fucking mouth shut about feeling bad yu stupoid poiece of shit becuase otherwise they are jsut going to guilty trip you or send yu to an instituton again or just abuse you nad yell at you or tell you how its wrong to feel bad or make fun of the things you dfo becuase you feel bad just everytihng about me is abuse porn for people my entire operson is jisut porn for people like to laugh at or jerk off to wevne my childhood abuse is just porn for peolpe il just ri really want to just be safe and i fantaisze aconstnatly about ym needs being met and beint gtocuhed in a good way or bhaving a safe lovnng mothern who will take me on little dates and who amkes me feel soothed and secure and stable being nearby and who lvoes me nd puts me first in her life and i put her first as well o corise i jdont want tob eunfair even tohugh i know i am i try mt best not to be unfair but its jsjt my fantasy so i can enjoy hving a that thing there where momy loves me and is ncie to me and treats me ina vvery kind way and we can go on little lucnhj things together ndd eart tgoether and then maybe at home read and watch things together and she can come up with ideas for us to do togehter and i jsut really am tired all the tme becuaseim sick and ive always been sick and i alwys il be sick so i wuld areally love mifg my mommy would undestnad i dont ahve enrgy lots of time and i think she wkludk in my dreams and fantasies shes walys slets me not do stuff if im too tired and ls happy to be with me i flel ghappy tro be with her too jsut laying down and safe together in anice big comfy bed i relaly would love that my mom didnt want to be around me when i was born becuase she said she was alreeady exhausted and shed have to spend ltos of time with me at home which i get but also jujst is kind of profoudnly sad to me i know i just was raised by soeone who didnt feel the way towards me most mothers feel towards their fcihlfdren and the whole thing just ruined m e the touching and the coldness at the same time isnt that just tuterly ridiculous.. it justfucking ruins me to be touched and enjoyed likoe a flesh doll and fdneied all of the warmth nad maternal comfort and happyiness because i eally loved my mom a lot as a baby and as a kid i slept with her all the time and was scared when i was away from her at night because she was the most competent person i knew i dont know what i can even say aobut it, mom just didnt hfavethat feeling in her for maternal stuff of tkaing fcare of me and making em feeel safe, it was all a duty for her not a reall frelling wich is ok i just dont knownit fucked me up for life i am tired of having t aclwats put the way i feel second but its true it ruined me bein treate dhtat way and then gettnig my body enjoye dnad had fun with like im altitle toy and making he feel better its so unfair, ir eally just wanted normal tghings like being hapy and safe withg ym amma mam a but it jsut didnt hapen now i am just fucke dup and i am jsut tired and exhausted i just want to be close to mama and i fantasize constaly about what my mama is like all kind and soft and gentle and making e feel sedated nad safe and never scaring me o making me nerovus i hate being scared or jumped up on or surprsed i get pancied and feel terrified and i jsut wantt ob e saf ei am so tired of bveing a comedy
3/10/26: of course people don't believe the things I say about my own sexual attraction or feelings, I've never really been sexually attracted to someone before physically and it's going to be a big thing now of interrogating me and acting like I am lying, I just shouldn't talk to people about those things at all (no I don't consider myself asexual at all, I just don't get attracted to people). I just hate talking to people because it's always like this