3/3/26: I feel like a ghost in my own life. I don't know what is wrong, I feel like there is some mysterious revelation eluding me always, something that would make many transient and malformed things substantial, like everything in myself and in the world is ephemeral and meaningless. Every beautiful object slips away from me, any sense of self I try to cling onto melts like sandcastles before an ocean, I feel like a spirit trapped and fading in a dream, like a fundamentally faint existence. I feel like I am watching through the glass glimmers and sparks of life and experience as I am unable to meaningfully exist or cross the gap ever, I really feel like a dead person watching the world in bits and pieces of lucidity. I don't want to suffer some ugly ill fate, I want to be happy, I really want things to be happy, but I don't have much faith anymore in any particular avenue nor can I really understand what even is the problem in my life. I don't even know what the problems are anymore. I dream so often, but even my dreams slip away from me very often, my fantasies and daydreams, my desires for a loving mother. I want to feel safe and loved, but no matter how loved I am I can never quite feel that warm happy feeling, nothing reaches me, I just feel so far away. I feel so empty
3/8/26: I'm very tired, I don't know what to do sometimes. People are so confusing. I feel an austerity of words... I don't know what to say, but I don't have any reason to say anything either. Then why am I writing? I liked the idea of having something to write, I love sentiments and affects.. I love sharing my sentiments and affects. In isolation I can exist in ways I can't around others. I have thought a lot about neeting lately and the nature of it. Economic disintegration: I really don't want to be economically integrated. I want to drift off into my happy world of symbols and sentiments. I love roses, I love the smell of specific sheets I've been on, I just remember the feelig of being in my grandparent's house, dark wood, fake flora and very antique looking things, I just loved the way it felt being safe, not having to go to school, it's all very beautiful and nice... these are the things that remain in my head as the most important sometimes... light passing through marbles while I was playing on the floor. I miss being a child. I love to imagine someone kind, usually a motherly figure, bouncing me on her lap while I rest after playing with my toys in front of her. I've always been afraid to play with toys in front of adults, I was afraid of them
3/9/26: I am so sick and tired of the soul-noise pollution caused by people and their disgusting interiorities. People make me so sick and tired, I just can't stand hearing it always. It's like the soul can be a tranquil pond, a kind of image I associate with a mystical or magical feeling. The pond is a source of life but it is also a tranquil and restful thing. I like to imagine it almost devoid of life: I can't stand the invasion of the pond by living creatures. I like to imagine fog resting on top of it. But it is not a real pond, it is just an image, or a feeling. The soul is like that in feeling to me. When it is at rest I feel happy and soothed and quiet, I don't like feeling all disrupted, but people make it roll and fill it with turmoil, I think because I am sensing sin and ugliness. Things like judgment and hatred of one another or towards people like me especially. Sometimes I become so sick I lash out in ugliness and derangement and become sinful myself, because sin rolls like a wave, disturbing my water and making me in turn a disturbing and rolling thing. I just hate them. I just hate them so much. I really can't stand them. I don't want to hear about it or hear from them. I can't stand how normalfag ridden the internet is these days. It's just all normalfags posting about stupid normalfag stuff 24/7. About how they can't get laid or about how they have FOMO or about doing shit with their friends. I don't even wanna do stuff with people. I love doing things by myself and I hate doing things with people as a general rule. My chemistry is just ruined and I experience everything like an animal. It's like how an animal never responds to music, that's the way I feel about most positive social relations. Everything about me is so ugly and wrong that I have to lie constantly about the way I feel. Good things just roll off me like water
3/9/26: I feel trapped as usual, I'm not going to pretend like I don't find myself in unusual feelings. I just don't like people. Seeing people who know people that I know, acquaintances of acquaintances, I don't like anyone, I don't like people at all. I have no interest in people. I don't like them, I really don't, people make me very sick and upset. Just everything to do with them makes me sick. I get so tired of being an object for people. Just something for them to enjoy, my body is easy to enjoy for everyone but me it often feels like. I really get tired of trying to express the parts of myself that are not so easy to enjoy. I really don't want to even try sometimes. I don't know what to say, I feel so claustrophobic sometimes. People people people people people. I really don't like them. Personalities, brands, ideas, expressions, communities, I've been a shut in for most of my life and have actively eschewed human contact for many episodes. Then I act out sexually for attention desparately and I rapidly form close bonds. I become confused and dissociated and don't recognize myself shortly after. Not that I really mind. I don't know. I just see people and I see the way they can live with eachother and creaate some kind of civilization, I don't like it... and the people close to me think, do you reject this civilization with me as well? I don't know.. I hate that stuff, I hate those wicked things, they make me exhausted, all the social things I see, the people and their images and people-images and people-ideas and all of it back and forth and forth and back until I'm exhausted, and of course I am deranged and unusual and something that has basically no well defined place. I am just nobody, I don't even want to be someone, but I find the claustrophobic weight of social contact pressing all around cutting into me all the time, it's just suffocating because I'm not anyone and I won't ever be it feels like, I don't even want to be, I don't even know what it means, but I know that I am supposed to be someone and I see the strange w way the others lock together like pieces in a mesh, I don't understand it, I just want to be away, people don't understand anything about me, I think maybe some others do, but I don't know, it's in passing shades, I just feel so exhausted, I feel like just a body for other people to enjoy, all the sentiments and feelings I have are like optional ephemera to ignore in the process or course of enjoying that body or whatever it would be, just whatever it is I am always the least important part of it. I just like being safe, and not predated on, I like when I can trust people, but I am very unstable and I don't feel safe with people usually. I have never gotten to enjoy being touched or cuddled or any of it despite trying a lot. Then I have to feel guilty for not being easy to make feel good. I have to pretend or feel guilty or both and I just want to be taken care of. I'm tired of being a problem all the time at best. I just feel so exhausted and alieanted. I really want to be safe. I think I need to abuse substances more probably it feels like at times, substancse make me feel better physically and take care of me, oh how stupid and deplorable and dsick isnt it? who is going to fix that? there isnt a medical service or anything that can fix my awful body and the way it feels all the time, nothing is going to fix all of that stuff, im probably chemicaly fucked up from sitting in a room inmy formative years with minimal social cojntact and getting abused/tocuhed before then and whatever else, my stupid fucked up body as a baby nearly dying and all the injections and medical stuff my mom thinks gave me trauma, I jsut dont even know, I just dont know about any of it at all whatsoever, I never know about any of it, nobody does, people dont know how to make me feel better or how to fix anything, not professionals or any of it, they just tell me everything that makes me feel better is wrong, everything I do is wrong, I dont have anything good that works and I am supposed to feel guilty everry second of every day aboiut that,m Im supposed to start enjoying social contact and to have happy formative relations and all of it and ikm supposed to enjoy physical touch and i need to meditate to feel better and just think about it harder and Im stupid or wrong or retarded in some way like a stupid failure for feeling bad, but the people saying that dont experience the things i do and didnt theyre jsut talking down to me from a psoition of not having to deal with any of it and then just my body is this thing ust its so onen ssided and unfair my bodyis itt just makes me fee so defeate,d all of it makes me very defeated and I just want to lay down and be tired, i just dont want to think anymor emost of the time and i definitely dont now, i just dont like people, i just rally cant hlepb ut think i dont like them and feel completely and totlaly alienated frot hem i know i dont undertatnd anything to do with them at all and i dont even really want to, i dontn get it whatsoever and anything at all about it is just confusing i am jsut so tired i jsut wihs things worked for me like i wasnt sitting here always making stupid fucking decisions like i nknow doign opioids is bad but it really makes m feel warm and safe ni aw ay i fantasize about and i try t ryt ry try try try try rytr yry try rt try try to do it the right way so fucking ahrd but i just i dont know its always me isnt it im always the problem its just always my fault somehow that everything is ruined and fucked wit hmy stupid body and my feelings and my sesnitivty im not even uspet that anyone didnt do anytighng i just feel so alienated and disturbed thatif eel on edfge with people cosntantrly, i always feel on edge its just a constant thing for me with others i only feel safe whn im near the solely thing the solely soley thing its easier to call it likea n object like its a thing, thats the thing i liemto bearound that thing, buit it isnt athing at all is it and it probably sounds very crazy or unsual because m just contorting myself for comfort, tis hard tio express myself if im honest and straightforward in a lot of ways and itmes because it comes along wiryh imense abuse and troublke and blae and judgent ahobut how weird and retarded i am.. i knowt he stuff im saying isnt event hat unsual or weird but yoyu dontmaybe treeally get it that i realmy hate all these nice things im suposed to live and make me feelb etter and im just a claustrophovic fuck woh wants to runa way constantly and hide from even nice things and the only things that help are the worst things in the world i like cutting myself too even tohug hi dont do it reglarly and everyone i know sit makes me fele wrose if i ever mentioned it which i dotn aymore either blaming me for stuff i cant fix or change or i try my best ot deal with i cut myself way less than i would if i was moe unreprentnt about it i really do, but it sjust the nimber of failures i have dont really matter its just any fialruesn are bad and so ig et blamed for cutting anyway i dont care it just is waht it is but then also at th esame time i have even had peolpe make fun of me for not doing ti seriously or for being fake my ex told me they were chicken scratche and i jsut felt so bad again i do this thing i like to my body in mpy pricavy to feel gbetter when i feel horirble i do it the way i feel safe and comfortable and then im jsut again im just my body is just rdiculed my bodyt is just didiuclked i just hate it so much i hate that i really hate it i didnt do it for you i didnt do it for anyone i didnt do it to be seirous or cool or anything i just did i because it woild make me feel better and even that is somethging to humilaite and ridicule me with isnt it because im just a torture doll ofr poeple to enjoy and touch and play with and make fun of whateverr whenever however making funnof mysle even when im hurt anf eel very bad th eworse i feel the more annoye dand eager to attack me pople are ort hey just dont care and just make me feel guiktky for feeling bad at all basically no matter what i know the godlen rule is skeep your fucking mouth shut about feeling bad yu stupoid poiece of shit becuase otherwise they are jsut going to guilty trip you or send yu to an instituton again or just abuse you nad yell at you or tell you how its wrong to feel bad or make fun of the things you dfo becuase you feel bad just everytihng about me is abuse porn for people my entire operson is jisut porn for people like to laugh at or jerk off to wevne my childhood abuse is just porn for peolpe il just ri really want to just be safe and i fantaisze aconstnatly about ym needs being met and beint gtocuhed in a good way or bhaving a safe lovnng mothern who will take me on little dates and who amkes me feel soothed and secure and stable being nearby and who lvoes me nd puts me first in her life and i put her first as well o corise i jdont want tob eunfair even tohugh i know i am i try mt best not to be unfair but its jsjt my fantasy so i can enjoy hving a that thing there where momy loves me and is ncie to me and treats me ina vvery kind way and we can go on little lucnhj things together ndd eart tgoether and then maybe at home read and watch things together and she can come up with ideas for us to do togehter and i jsut really am tired all the tme becuaseim sick and ive always been sick and i alwys il be sick so i wuld areally love mifg my mommy would undestnad i dont ahve enrgy lots of time and i think she wkludk in my dreams and fantasies shes walys slets me not do stuff if im too tired and ls happy to be with me i flel ghappy tro be with her too jsut laying down and safe together in anice big comfy bed i relaly would love that my mom didnt want to be around me when i was born becuase she said she was alreeady exhausted and shed have to spend ltos of time with me at home which i get but also jujst is kind of profoudnly sad to me i know i just was raised by soeone who didnt feel the way towards me most mothers feel towards their fcihlfdren and the whole thing just ruined m e the touching and the coldness at the same time isnt that just tuterly ridiculous.. it justfucking ruins me to be touched and enjoyed likoe a flesh doll and fdneied all of the warmth nad maternal comfort and happyiness because i eally loved my mom a lot as a baby and as a kid i slept with her all the time and was scared when i was away from her at night because she was the most competent person i knew i dont know what i can even say aobut it, mom just didnt hfavethat feeling in her for maternal stuff of tkaing fcare of me and making em feeel safe, it was all a duty for her not a reall frelling wich is ok i just dont knownit fucked me up for life i am tired of having t aclwats put the way i feel second but its true it ruined me bein treate dhtat way and then gettnig my body enjoye dnad had fun with like im altitle toy and making he feel better its so unfair, ir eally just wanted normal tghings like being hapy and safe withg ym mom a but it jsut didnt hapen now i am just fucke dup and i am jsut tired and exhausted i just want to be close to mama and i fantasize constaly about what my ideal mother is like all kind and soft and gentle and making e feel sedated nad safe and never scaring me o making me nerovus i hate being scared or jumped up on or surprsed i get pancied and feel terrified and i jsut wantt ob e saf ei am so tired of bveing a comedy
3/10/26: of course people don't believe the things I say about my own sexual attraction or feelings, I've never really been sexually attracted to someone before physically and it's going to be a big thing now of interrogating me and acting like I am lying, I just shouldn't talk to people about those things at all (no I don't consider myself asexual at all, I just don't get attracted to people). I just hate talking to people because it's always like this
3/10/26: every time I bind my internal symbols to the world, I get raped (edit: can be replaced by violated) in one way or another. I always find myself binding my symbols to referents and then feeling completely confused and disturbed by the resulting syntax or my own emotions and feeling. I wish I just felt connected to the world in a way that makes sense. I feel dissonant and assaulted a lot, and very confused, like my basic precious symbols are violated. What do I mean by raped? Greatly disquieted.. immense dissonance... that physical feeling of my skin crawling and wanting to run and escape until my head gets tired and I felel ike blacking out, I'm not accusing anyone of assaulting me
3/10/26: I feel sick as usual. Just tired and warped. I want to be away, I find the friction disturbing, I want to be tranquil and soothed, I feel very far away. I feel an enormous distance between my ideas in my head and my body and how I feel. I don't know if I will ever bridge the gap. I have curated and kept all of these little things I find precious inside myself hoping that one day they will find meaning. Sometimes I think they do, and then I feel so vulgar and disturbed, like I have abused my little objects or like they have been molested, when I realize I made a huge mistake and they were not really in a safe place. Just don't joke about them, don't make jokes about my little objects, don't think they're funny, don't vulgarly sexualize them for comedy, don't make them into an inappropriate joke, I already joke constantly because I expect to be degraded, I turn myself into a sexual joke for people to be titillated by or laugh at but I don't want it to happen to my little objects, I just can't stand that happening, I want them to be protected from that, I've done such a bad job, I'm just so tired. If I ever showed you my diary, I would laugh at it and joke about how crazy some of it was, how funny it was, like the abrupt and violent language, and I'd scroll quickly past the parts where I write less lucidly. I'd feel humiliated and afraid. I'd feel unable to explain the things I wrote other than as they are, and you'd ask questions. I'd make up answers that aren't true. I'd find ways to write off the things I said as just episodes of intense emotionality that don't matter. It's all just lying, they're the most important kinds of feelings I usually have and I don't want to put them in danger, even for the people I love. I can't stand having them molested and ridiculed or made unsafe, and it's not my fault I don't feel safe with them under the microscope. Someone will always think of them in terms of how they relate back to themselves, whether it is their fault or not, and they will be alienated from being my own indigenous natural feelings. I am nothing but porn and everything else is just someone else's mistake, like I'm a broken robot if I'm not being pornography, that's how it feels sometimes. Sometimes I cling onto my misery and my confusing and sickening sentimentality because at least it is not pornographic, like covering myself in filth to avoid being touched
3/12/26: When I look at that picture, I love it, but I feel quite sad. Very sad actually sometimes, quite miserable. I see an ongoing idealized life, a moment passing in her life she is not even aware of them, that none of them are aware of. I feel so sad thinking that it's just a pretty moment wilting away and dying. And furthermore I feel sad that I will not have those happy moments, that it's just dead and I can't experience happy moments like thnat, or they aren't even happy,t hey're just gone. I just wish I could appreciate my own moments like that, or appreciate the bustling of life and the vitality of it, but I am always jusst noit there. I am always just alone and rejecting the world and experience and then I feel miserably sad seeing it reflected back at me, the most mundane scenes and events I have just eschewed. But I would know I woul;dn't be happy there, I;'d be ideating about something quite miserable probabl yif i were there. I've always been so alienated from my family, from life, from everything I've been in and around, and even very close things, I'm always alienated from everything. I just want to exist, I really would like to exist, like I have a place or an existence. Sometimes I feel disturbed and pained by being a nothing-existence, like a lingering thing that has no permanence or reality, or like a ghost, I feel quite dejected about everything, like the happy things I imagine have no place for me. But it is my happiness or my imagined happiness, most people wouldn't enjoy them... happiness in my imagination is the fruit of my own misery. I feel very sentimental about everything. I am probably depressed but more than that I am a sickly romantic. I like to imagine being cut and wounded. I'd love to be given a big boquet of roses or other flowers, I love the pretty red of roses I admit but I love white lily as well and many other flowers I want to learn more about, I love yellow flowers too for their symbolism. Yellow is a beautiful color and yellow flowers carry many meanings like envy, jealousy, or cowardice. I don't know, I just would love to smell nice flowers while bleeding. I would love to bleed on someone. I love bleeding a lot and feeling the warm blood feeling, I love the smell and taste, I love getting my blood everywhere, I really would adore that kind of thing. I didn't know people found it so disgusting. I want to be taken care of, as always... I am so defunct. I really would like to be safe. I wish I didn't feel as afraid as I do constantly. I wish I could live out my fantasies happily more easily.
3/23/26: I feel alienated and distant from people. I don't really like them, I feel often assaulted by their interiority. By how I am a passing shade only useful for something or some other. I don't know. I have always been like a ghost. A phantom which attains substance only insofar as it possesses the living: as long as people become convinced of my existence, I may exist in a weak sense. They have at times seen me as some kind of powerful poltergeist, like an essential shade of the world. I don't know how to put it, the romanticization of my life. Like I was some kind of essential thing, like a sorcerer's shade or a witch, something that possesssed capacities beyond acquisition. But then in the pale light of the day, I scantly exist at all. Yes, that is definitely true. Oh well. I really just wanted to live, but I was precluded from basic existence oftentimes it feels like. I was isolated so much and for so long, I still am I suppose, it has become a way of nature. My life feels like nothing more than a large blank slate, like TV static, where nothing really happened. Just an empty, empty thing. My life was not empty, because I was there, but no one would have known that. My family turned away from me, guilty about the state of me. No one wanted to look at me. I didn't mind, because minding would have been extraordinarily painful and worse, humiliating. Degrading on the most basic level. Oh well! I'm fucking crazy! It's the only thing that makes me feel better, is knowing I really must just be utterly crazy. Just some stupid mix of bad genes. Everyone in my family is crazy, my mom is delusional, my dad is on medication for paranoia, my grandmother was an agoraphobe, they're all insane. It's just my messed up genes. That makes me feel a little better, takes the edge off. Like it's not something I did wrong or something like that, it's just my bad luck. My poor life was really troubled from the start, being sick for life after being born and then having my mind all messed up. My mom taking me out of school and leaving me isolated so much didn't help either, neither did the touching or the abuse. Oh well... who cares. I just want to be happy. I'd like to feel alive sometimes. I deifnitely don't always. I often feel alienated from basic human life. Oh well. Being a tranny sucks. I don't wanna think about it much. I'd prefer to just think of it as being crazy. Crazy and weird. I've always been a weird little freak and basically the only thing intervening in that was the fact that I was relatively attractive. Oh well, I'm so tired. I'm just tired. I wish I could bleed a lot right now just to get a bit more tired and spaced out. Something to take the edge off, oh well. I just want to be happy. Sadly in many ways I feel like the only people I've ever been able to be myself much around mostly consist of my mom and my lovers even though my mother was abusive to no end and did awful things to me. I'm retarded. I just feel sick and confused 24/7. Oh well. I wish I felt like I wasn't so dirty. Just dirty and wrong all the time. My emotions are dirty, my emotions are wrong. I feel awful things. I'm selfish. I'm really a dirty creature. I lie a lot it feels like, I lie lie lie, I';m never authentically there and then, I have a nasty way of making evens tuff that isnt lies not truthful
3/24/26: Music as of writing... I am really tired. I just looked at some random idrlabs tests. One was about adverse childhood experiences. I wound up coming out of it with "average childhood trauma." I don't make much of it, haha, I don't make much of anything, do I? If I made much of anything, what would it make of me? Nothing at all, as usual. Nothing or exhaustion, it would make exhaustion out of me, like I am always exhausted. My body has been nothing but exhaustion. I don't want to be around people much anymore. I don't really want to talk or communicate. I don't really have any interest in talking or reaching out. I feel nothing but misery and hatred towards people when they like me. When they fawn over the positive parts of my person, I feel the resentful hatred of a raped land, itching at every turn to punish and castigate people who have visited it once more for what fruits its trees may bear. I don't have any love in my heart for people, I don't enjoy being liked by them. My misery is my most precious gift, the thing I hold onto most. The only evidence I have of real things, nothing else is left, nothing else in my life has ever stayed with me. Even my misery is just a clung-to affect here or there. Nothing about me has ever been real, I can be overwritten and made any way the people around me want, but at leastI could have my little misery, to kee to myself, it would at least be mine forever. It would stay there. Everything else could be taken away. I am just nothing. Not even damaged. Nothing at all. Nothing in me is anything at all. Music as of writing... maybe he knew what I felt. I like that music a lot. I like the miserry you feel in wagner a lot, I'm just so tired. I don't feel anything. If people pity me, I know it is just an invitation for nothing. Nothing will come of being pitied, nothing will come of warm praise, nothing will come of anything. My life will continue to be the way it always is. People step onto my soul so much just to what.. to what at all, the ugly world of people, ugly and baseless and asinine, just disgusting, disgusting and vuglar, I want to crush and remove all people, I really hate and despise the ugly world they build. They always want to smash my things to smithereens as always or encroach on me and make me feel disturbed and dislocated, they want to stop me from existing anywhere at all, I just want them to leave always, just leave leave leave. I don't want to talk about it. I'm so tired. If I wanted to talk about it, I'd say something, wouldn't I? It doesn't matter anyway. I am nothing at all and I never will be anything at all. I don't even particularly want to be. I just want to escape the ugly world of people