7/21/2024 Everything is so tiring sometimes. I just get so tired. I'm 23 now and I don't really know what I'm doing, or why I'm doing it. I get so tired sometimes. I just want to walk out into the night forever and never see the sun again. I don't try to hurt others or cause trouble, even though as a teenager I know I was a troublesome, deranged person. I guess I will say my thoughts. At the moment, I just feel like a clown of a person. Or a joke. When you feel like a joke, you don't even feel like people see you as a bad thing or a bad person or this or that. Just kind of a vulgar character suited to the sidelines of human consciousness, something cut out for a comedy in poor taste at best. I don't know if that's really how people view me or not. I suppose it does not really matter. I don't think they do. I'd like to enter some thoughts regarding my life.
As a child I had a lot of contradictory ideas imposed on me, or so it felt. Really I liked to be alone and with my toys. That was my favorite time and I would spend all day in my room with my toys for many days. I wasn't entirely opposed to socializing, but I was lukewarm about it. Socializing has always seemed to get the better of me. I feel as though I turn into a vulgar joke of a person. I was very vulgar amongst other kids. I'd use any curse words, and I was not a godfearing child, my mother encouraged skepticism of both God and authority, except for hers of course. I just get tired of being everyone's piiece of paper to stamp things on. Vulgar child, rude child, intelligent, precocious, arrogant, sweet, kind, mean, villainous, saintly, it just makes me tired and sick. I get quite tired all the time about it. Why did people put so much stuff onto me as a kid? I was always smart enough for everyone to put these things onto me and just childish enough to not be able to do anything about it or make sense of it.
I just get so tired. I'm always dirty and vulgar and shitty. Just always having all this stuff put on me. I could never just be a kid or just be me, it had to be this stuff people wanted to put on me. My mother always wrung me dry like I was a piece of meat to satisfy herself. Nobody cares and nobody did care I don't care that no one cares. Even if nobody could imagine I could feel violated or even if I'm beneath being violable, I just get so tired, I'll always know it's really bad what she did and how bad it made me feel. Even writing that I imagine being someone else reading this and how stupid and pathetic it sounds. Who cares? Nobody cares. I don't know. I know this sort of thing is stupid to read. I don't really know why I am writing it. I guess just as a diary. I don't know. Well, I guess I just want to think the dirtiness I feel wasn't all my fault. I just don't want to think I'm so dirty. I guess because of that I am really fixated on innocence and images of innocence. I always like to hide away and just not worry about other people having to deal with my stupid thoughts so I don't worry about being subconsciously manipulative or a self victimizing thing. I just wanted someone to believe me and believe in me, I guess. Well, it never happened for me as a kid. Not to bitch and moan.