About My Life

I love resting and being safe more than anything and I don't want to be abandoned or neglected. I really am afraid of getting abandoned a lot. I tend to create mental caretakers a lot and look for caretaking a lot even though I'm an adult. I am a very regressive psychology. I know it is silly. I can't really help it. I think it's because my mom abused me very bad as a child and I also have some innate difficulties. For example I am schizotypal, I don't know why, but I am, I think I get it from my mom and my dad since my dad has paranoid delusional disorder and my mom is a very magical-thinking person who thinks she has magic powers and stuff like that. I am really not good at functioning. I try to be, but I'm not. I'm 24 years old and I'm just really bad at functioning. I'm a complete mess and look for parental figures always who spend time with me and give me attention. I become afraid often that they are bored of me, will get bored of me, that they will be annoyed at me, that I will be left alone and unsupported. I know that makes it easiere to be annoying, when you are always worried about it, but I hope it is understandable why I am the way that I am once someone knows me well. I want to tell about it here since I've never really had a good place to say it all.

Childhood, Illness, Intimate Abuse, and My Mother

I was my mother's firstborn child with my dad, although I technically am a middle child since my mother adopted out her first child, my oldest sister. The most formative event in my early life was my being diagnosed with type 1 diabetes at a very young age, before a year old. I almost died of it. Everyone in my family has weird ghost stories, like seeing my great-grandmother standing over my crib hissing when my mom tried to bring me juice at night, since my blood sugar was high. My earliest memory is of receiving an injection and crying. By the time I was 5 or so I was really used to them however. I had many difficult experiences due to my illness before then though. I have beta-tested many products over the years due to being a diabetic for so long. It was a big thing for my parents too since it was a large strain on my family. I had to receive constant attention and support, and I had to be checked multiple times per night. My parents insisted however that I did not feel as though I was sick or disabled. I wish they had let me just be disabled sometimes or not pushed this idea that I need to be "normal." Oh well. I struggled a lot with school although I did quite well academically, at least enough to be moved up a grade for a while (I didn't like it at all and didn't enjoy the experience so I eventually moved back down).

School was exhausting and draining and I hated it but the defining difficulty of my childhood was my mother. My mother had a very specific and strange relationship to me. I slept with her, was around her constantly, and was her favorite child. On the other hand, she was very abusive, hitting us, yelling and berating us for hours in fits of rage, threatening to send us away, stuff like that. She would explode and just torment us for a very long time. We couldn't move or do anything other than stand against the wall. She'd just scream and scream and say anything she could to get under our skin. She told us she'd call child support and have us sent away forever so that we'd never see anyone we knew ever again. If I said sorry she'd scream at me and tell me sorry doesn't fix it. I just felt so hopeless and distraught when she'd blow up because I knew there was nothing I could do or say to make it any less worse. I just had to wait for her to satisfy her own anger and it would last a very long time. It was very physical and scary and she'd grab me and mess with me a lot, although I wasn't hit as often as my brother was. I was a very docile and fearful child so I didn't have any interest in making her mad or pushing back, but I still got blown up at a lot, hit, yanked, whatever stuff.

I always wound up really dissociated by the end and exhausted. I'd go to my room and rest in there or try to, but I could hear her still yelling at my dad and working herself up in more anger. Eventually it'd finally subside but then she would usually come find me in my room. She was I guess somewhat guilty so she'd start being nice to me superficially while suggesting that she had to do what she did and that it was my fault. I usually didn't want to talk at all and I felt unsafe with her. I felt frigid and all locked up always and tense, and I would just be as still as I could and hope that she'd go away. She never did go away at all! She always started cuddling me and touching me and trying to get me to respond to her more, so I'd say the minimum amount I had to, in order to satisfy her. Then she'd go for other stuff. Just bad stuff I don't really want to get into graphic detail about with my body parts and cuddling me lots while doing so and telling me why she did what she did. And how she loved me. I just hate it. I just really wish she had just left me alone. My stupid body is so ruined now in so many ways, I'm always stressed and I get freaked out when I get touched and cuddled oftentimes. By that point I was able to sleep alone at least. I know she found me too much sometimes. She would leave me when we were sleeping and go somewhere else, just to sleep away from me. I think it really really messed with me very bad. I was too afraid to sleep alone as a child and being alone and thinking of all the monsters and stuff made me feel horrified when I woke up. I had a hard time sleeping too. I know she was tired of me too and just wanted to be away from me, so I didn't want to bother her either. But then she would use my body shortly later to satisfy herself and touch me all over. I really hate it.

Isolation

She pulled me out of school when I was 10. It was because my brother and I would be going to different schools which would be difficult for her and the bus didn't go to our house. I lived alone and didn't socialize with anyone my age, and I had no education either. My entire family pitied me and treated me like a failed or defunct child because of what she had done. I lived in complete isolation from anyone other than my family and even then it was still abusive and angry all the time. I only had anything happy on the internet when I could play games or enjoy my favorite anime or other things. I realized I was trans when I was 12 or so which was very traumatic but there was nothing I could do about it so I tried my best to forget about it. I just was completely alone and all my friends online thought my life was messed up and I felt like a second class human in every way because I had missed out on so much socialization. I was kind of schizo and had lots of weird chuuni interests like magic and rituals and paranormal stuff. My parents found me weird and offputting although my mom was nicer to me after a few years. She still abuses me when we're together for too long, blowing up at me and berating me. She tried to cuddle and lay with me all weird and playfully a few years ago. Oh well. I guess the point is that the isolation and deprivation made me very starved for social contact, but my difficult experiences and trouble with school had made me enjoy that isolation. I think it manifests mostly in my deranged attachment style where I become incredibly needy and dependent sometimes. I feel like a complete mess. Oh well. Maybe I'll talk more about isolation later.

Reflection

Unfortunately my life I think has made me very susceptible I think to further abuse. I tolerate very bad things partly because I am used to them. I feel like I don't deserve nice things unless I earn them with the bad things that ground me and make me feel like I know what is going on. Being yelled at or driven to panic like if I cry sometimes makes me emotionally reset and otherwise I feel terrified and anxious that I have no idea what will happen. I really wish I felt safe more. I think I am very messed up as a person sometimes and I wish I had soothing and help a lot more than I do. I feel as though many avenues for help are hard to make work