Being transgender has always been kind of complicated for me on a couple of fronts. In some ways it was simpler. I am very grateful for my intense social isolation as an adolescent. The ever-frightening threat of "male-socialization" made it likable to just have no socialization at all. I did, and always have, really disliked the way you have to socialize as a man. Being an isolated neet was much preferable. I look back very fondly on those times, when I was 12-13 especially, and often want to regress back to that stage because it contained some of the happier moments in my life up until then even if it was also very difficult. I was alone a lot of the time which made me really happy. I was a very lonely person and tended to turn towards fantasy and imagination, like tulpas or similar ideas, but I was also happy because I didn't have to deal with the stress and fear of daily life anymore either, which was very difficult due to my very poor coping skills as a child. Elementary school was very difficult for me. I didn't get bullied per se but my relation to life was very space-y and airy in those times. I don't really want to get into it. I don't even know why it was so miserable, but I hated it and I didn't like my life when I was in school. The dominating sentiment for me was exhaustion, which is something no one really cares about when you're a child. You don't have the language to be taken seriously about being exhausted. I made friends but they were always just space-y, distant friends like everything else in my life. My life always felt like theater in the sense that the real world of actual feeling mostly occurred when I got home and could play with my toys. In school itself I just felt totally and completely detached, my main way of interacting was just hollow, cheap humor. I had no interest in the academic part of school either, although I did well. I daydreamed a lot. If anything I was that kind of chronic daydreaming, distant child. I was afraid of the adults and I was exhausted always. I don't know how I didn't get bullied, maybe I did and I just didn't know (in the sense of being disliked or seen as annoying), because I was extremely autistic in my mode of interaction with others (and in other ways too. I chewed on the collars of my shirts 24/7 and fidgeted with my hair, had dumb stims. Not going to get into it...), but what can one say. Back to happier thoughts! When I was 12-13 I was really happy about being at home all day, because I didn't have to put up with all of the stress and fear anymore. I was afraid of adults, so being at home made me very comfortable. I often want to regress back to that time and enjoy the same things. Like playing Roblox all day, or garry's mod, or the way the internet was back then. Anyway. About voice training. I've been voice training recently and more or less the main thing I've noticed is that it changes your ontology a bit. By that I mean nothing philosophically fancy. I just mean that you kind of feel different when you talk different, like you are in a different way. I really feel less guilty about most things now that I have started voice training. I can get my pitch in the range I want now (I like to be around 220hz) and my larynx in the right place, and I'm working on other stuff. I at times kind of forget how important transitional stuff is just because it changes the way you are in that way. There's a sort of filth on your mode of being when you feel all masculine, at least for me. I really felt so dirty as a child about it already. I remember when I was 12 having my first episodes regarding it. How much I just hated being born the way I was. I just wish I or someone else had been there to make me feel better about it, but the world was even worse back then about trans stuff. Sometimes it makes me think about the whole 'mentally ill' thing. When people say we're just mentally ill. There's next to no interest in actually understanding or empathizing with the suffering mental illness causes in general. Even when people talk about depression, it's about how to fix it. There are rarely good solutions to mental illness issues, but you can work on stuff incrementally. I just mean to say solutions aren't everything. They aren't there for most things. My schizotypy is mostly just treated by avoiding stress. Meds didn't do much and talk therapy is very difficult for me, though I've done it some. Oh well. Even if I was just mentally ill, which I am in other ways, I don't see how it warrants the way people treat me socially.